


Self Conclusion

by chloelancaster14



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bruce is not that kind of doctor, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Depression, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Protective Bucky Barnes, Recovery, Stark Tower
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-05
Updated: 2018-04-15
Packaged: 2019-04-18 15:46:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14216463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chloelancaster14/pseuds/chloelancaster14
Summary: "We all flirt with the tiniest notion, of self conclusion in one simplified motion. You see the trick is that you're never supposed to act on this. No matter how unbearable this misery gets."





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> This is a reupload. I'm working on this fic as my Camp NaNoWriMo project and I wanted to start fresh.  
> If you're triggered by suicide attempts, this might not be the fic for you. Please don't trigger yourself! Feel free to message me on [tumblr](https://chloewrites14.tumblr.com//) for clarification.  
> This fic is based off the song "Self Conclusion" by The Spill Canvas so this first chapter's dialogue might seem a little choppy.

Chapter 1

 

_“We all flirt with the tiniest notion of self-conclusion in one simplified notion. You see the trick is that you’re never supposed to act on it. No matter how unbearable this misery gets.”_

 

I stood at the edge of the roof, the cold winter wind whipping past my face. My arms were wrapped tightly around one of the support beams as I contemplated the distance from the roof to the deserted alley below me. I wouldn’t remember hitting the ground; I was high enough to recognize that.

I had left my phone and IDs at home and my sister thought that I was visiting a friend in D.C. for the week. No one would miss me for a while. I took one last breath, feeling the tears stinging my eyes, but I couldn’t feel what I should. There was no fear, no anxiety, and no terror, just emptiness and a settled sense of peace. I didn’t deserve to be here anyway.

Letting my arms go from the beam, I inched to the edge, the tip of my toes dangling over the edge. Closing my eyes, I leaned forward, putting all of my weight on the front of my foot. I could feel the falling sensation start, then abruptly stop.

Something pulled at the back of my sweater and suddenly I was falling backwards, my back and head hitting the pavement of the roof with a disorienting smack. I opened my eyes to blurred vision and someone standing over me. It took a few more blinks to see him clearly.

He was wearing a dark hoodie and a blue beanie with chestnut curls peeking out from under it. His eyes were a clear blue-gray and he looked murderously angry.

“What the fuck were you doing?” He asked me. His voice was low and scratchy, like he hadn’t used it in several hours. I frowned at his tone.

“What did you think?” I snapped, my anger growing as well at my disruption. “Trying to die.”

“I know that.” He sighed. “I want to know why.”

“Don’t fucking worry about it. You don’t even know me.” I replied, still angry as I sat up, running a hand through my hair and wincing at the pain in the back of my head.

“I know.” He murmured. “Maybe we can change that?”

My eyebrows literally shot up in shock.

“What?” I was confused. Who did he think he was? "We who?"

“I said maybe we can change that.” He repeated, reaching a hand out to help me up. I stood, brushing my clothes off before looking at him closer. He looked vaguely familiar. “We- you and me. I want to help.”

“I don’t need your help.” I shook my hand away from his, but my anger had started to dissipate, leaving me just empty.

“I’m sure if you take a second, the things that made you want to jump might be things you can change or cope with now.” He told me.

“You say that like it’s so easy to want to stay alive. I don’t want to anymore.” I snapped again. Why was I even wasting the last of my time. "I can't change the thing that made me want to die. They're dead, okay? They're all dead."

“Mine are dead too." He shrugged and I looked at him. His blue-grey eyes felt like they were staring straight through all of my excuses. "Just come stay one night.” He offered. “I’d be lying to you if I say that this is easy. It isn’t. I know that my words won’t change your mind. You can come with me or you can stay up here. It’s up to you.”

I stared into his blue-gray eyes and something pulled me. “Fine. One night.”

He sighed in relief.

“I swear to God if you’re lying, I’ll leave. I’ll jump right off this very rooftop and you’ll never see it coming.”

“Calm down doll, I understand.” He gently reached out to me and that’s when I realized I was shaking. “Just before you got here, I was going to jump too.”

That shocked me thoroughly and I let him pull me into a tight hug. The contact was my breaking point and I could feel myself starting to cry. It had been a long time since I'd been hugged.

“Shhh,” He ran a hand through my hair and I could feel that the shoulder I was resting on was a different from the other one. I frowned, but it was something I could think about later. “It’s going to be okay. I’m James.”

“Adalyn.” I offered quietly. He pulled back and looked at my face.

“You’re sure?”

“Yeah.” _No._ “Let’s go.” _I’m terrified._

“Okay.” He took my hand, checking my face one last time, before leading me back in the building and down the elevator.

“Where is home, James?” I asked quietly as we walked to the elevator.

“Not far, I promise.” He insisted. “Do you mind riding a motorcycle?”

“Um, I’ve never ridden one before?” I replied. “You have a helmet, right?”

He just looked at me as we walked out the front of the office building. The street was dark and I could barely make out the outline of his motorcycle leaning against a bike rack. He handed me a helmet and I slid it over my head, settling behind James as he climbed on the bike.

“Hang onto me, okay. Look over my shoulder and sit still.” James told me.

“Where’s your helmet?” I asked in his ear.

“I don’t need one.” He promised, started the motorcycle up. “Hang on tight.”

“Okay.” I murmured, tightening my arms around him. He took off down the street and I clung to him as we whipped through the streets. It wasn’t until we were pulling into the parking garage that I could pry my eyes open and realize where I was. “What the fuck James?”

“This is home.” He shrugged, kicking the stand out for his bike and standing carefully so he didn’t jolt me off the bike. “C’mon.”

“I can’t-“ I stared at the logo on the door. Stark Tower. “Am I allowed inside?”

“You’re with me.” He shrugged. “You are.”

“Okay.”

“Welcome back Mr. Barnes.” The disembodied voice started me and I jumped. James put a hand on my waist, steadying me. That was when I truly looked at his face.

“Holy fuck. James Barnes?” I blinked owlishly at him for a second and he rolled his eyes, pulling the leather gloves off his hands and pushing a sleeve up to show his metal arm. “Um, hi. Thank you?”

“I think we’re past all of that, Adalyn.” He teased, but he pulled his sleeve back down. “JARVIS can you escort us to my floor? Private please.”

“Of course, Mr. Barnes.”

James rolled his eyes at the formality, but the elevator started to move. I was a little surprised, it was so quiet, but then again I knew where I was. The elevator opened into a living room area, but I didn’t look too closely as we walked inside.

“The bathroom’s in the bedroom. I’ll bring you some clothes if you want to take a shower?” He offered.

“Um, yeah, that sounds good.” I murmured. “Thank you.”

“No problem.” James smiled at me, “Follow me.”

I followed him into his bedroom. It was nicely decorated in navy and gray hues, but sparse. It was like he hadn’t really added anything personal to it. The bathroom was large with a bathtub and a walk-in shower around the corner from the sinks and toilet.

“I’ll sit the clothes on the counter by the sink.” James offered. “There are towels in the cabinet next to the tub.”

“Okay,” I murmured. “Thank you.”

“No problem. Take as long as you need, okay?”

I nodded and James left closing the door behind him. Taking a breath, I turned on the shower, adjusting the temperature before taking my clothes off and stepping inside.

The hot water felt amazing and I closed my eyes, letting it wash over me. That when was when everything truly hit me. I had tried to kill myself. I’d be dead splattered on the pavement if James hadn’t been on that rooftop. Then after all of that, I had gone home with him, even though I barely knew him. Honestly anything but standing on that rooftop was the best option for me that point.

I didn’t realize how hard I was shaking until I reached for the body wash and it slipped straight through my fingers. Stepping back, I sank onto the tile bench built into the shower and it was like my chest was too tight. A single tear turned into several that turned into chest squeezing sobs. It was like I couldn’t even breathe.

I have no idea how long I cried, but I felt mind numbingly tired once I had truly cried myself out. I sat for a moment longer, my brain still stuck on the fact that I’d managed to pick the same rooftop as James “Bucky” Barnes. What were the odds? We’d studied Captain America in school; who hadn’t? I still remember when we found out that he’d been found alive somehow. And with every chapter on Captain Rogers, they always talked about Bucky Barnes.

2014 had been a year of shock, from the public finding out about the traitors in SHIELD to the discovery of James being the Winter Soldier. It had taken a lot of courts, and red tape, and things that we weren’t privy to before he was declared innocent of the crimes HYDRA made him commit. However I was sure he was one of the only people whose feelings of guilt could put mine to shame.

Standing on slightly wobbly legs, I finished washing myself off and quickly washed my hair before stepping out of the shower and wrapping a towel around my body. Peaking around the corner, I saw that the door was shut and there were clothes sitting, folded neatly on the counter. Drying myself quickly, I pulled on the underwear, yoga pants and t-shirt. James must have asked one of the other women for an extra change of clothes.

Squeezing out the majority of the water in my hair, I placed my damp towels with the others in the basket and quietly ventured out of the bathroom. James was sitting at the desk in the corner and turned to smile at me when I walked out.

“You feeling okay?” He asked making no sign that he’d heard me crying or noticed my length of time in the shower. I appreciated that.

“Just exhausted,” I answered truthfully.

“You can take the bed.” He offered. “I need to check in with Steve anyway.”

The moment those words left his mouth, I could feel myself panicking.

“Not about you Adalyn,” He promised. “But I need to tell him about me. I won’t tell anyone about you unless you ask me too.”

“Thank you.” I murmured quietly. He nodded, standing and heading for the door. I pulled the blanket and sheets back from the bed, climbing in. James let me get settled before turning off the light and closing the door. I fell into an uneasy sleep.

 

*******************)(

“Is she okay?” The voice sounded far away and I was trying to make sense of it.

“She seemed distressed in her sleep and then started displaying signs of having a panic attack. Her heart and breathing rate spiked.” That voice I recognized as JARVIS (James had called the disembodied voice) and I forced my eyes to open. James was kneeling next to the bed, holding my hand. My chest felt like I had just run a marathon and I recognized the all too familiar side effects of having a panic attack. It had been two weeks probably since I’d had my last attack so I was overdue for one that was for sure.

“How are you feeling?” James asked. He was frowning and I hated that.

“Okay.” I answered, running a hand through my hair.

“Mr. Barnes, someone has called the police requesting a missing persons report be filed for Adalyn Tillman.” JARVIS interrupted from the ceiling.

“Fuck.” I cursed, laying my head back on the pillows. It had to be my sister who called it in, meaning she found my phone and ID.

James just looked at me and I shook my head.

“She’s not going to believe me even if I don’t lie.” I sighed, rubbing my eyes. “How long was I asleep anyway?”

“A couple of hours, it’s just nine.” He shrugged. “Just tell her the truth.”

“This isn’t the kind of bomb I drop over the phone.” I replied, throwing an arm over my face. “Damn it.”

“Do you want to call her?” James asked quietly. “She can come here.”

“I don’t-“ I shook my head. “Is it okay? I don’t want to take advantage of you.”

“Adalyn. It’s fine.” He looked at me very seriously. “It’s okay. Call her.”

“Okay.” I whispered. James nodded, reaching into his jacket pocket and pulling out a sleek StarkPhone. He handed it to me.

Mouth dry, I typed in my sister’s number. The phone rang twice before I heard my sister’s tired and worried voice.

“Hello?”

“Allie,” I started, and I heard her sigh of relief.

“Goddammit Adalyn. What the fuck?” Allison snapped, before she took a breath. “Where are you?”

“Um, Stark Tower?” I offered quietly.

“Adalyn?” Allison sounded confused and I could hear the edge of disbelief in her voice.

“I know it sounds crazy, but I’m at Stark Tower.” I sighed. “Can you come here? I’ll explain everything then.”

“This sounds crazy as shit, but fine. I’ll be there in an hour.” Allison sighed and then hung up. I handed James his phone back and he gave me a small smile.

“JARVIS notify me, privately, when a-“ He turned to me. “What kind of car does she drive?”

“A VW beetle with an EMT license plate.”

“Notify me when a VW beetle with an EMT license plate approaches the tower please.”

“Of course Mr. Barnes.” JARVIS replied in his almost human sounding voice. James rolled his eyes, mouthing ‘James’.

“He insists on calling me that.” He informed me. “Even though I’ve asked him to call me James almost a dozen times.”

“What exactly is he?” I asked quietly. I followed Stark Industries’ advancements in technology like the rest of the country of course, but this was completely unlike anything else on the market. I was honestly baffled.

“He’s an artificial intelligence system.” James seemed to trip over the words a little bit. “Stark- I mean Tony explained it like a computer that constantly upgrades itself to adapt to the world around it.”

“Oh.” I was still a little confused, but his explanation made sense. “Interesting.”

“It is.” He gave me a crooked smile and I was suddenly confront with the fact that James was just as lost as me.

“Feel free to tell me to fuck off,“ I started, and I saw James stiffen a little and instantly regretted it, but I was already here. “Why were you on that roof? And- I mean I can explain myself first, I just want to understand?”

James took a deep breath, staring at me for a moment before standing and reaching a hand out to me. I frowned, but took it, standing and following him out of the bedroom and into the kitchen. He led me to the table and I sat as he busied himself pulling out a kettle and filling it with water before putting it on the stove. He set out two mugs, and then walked over to the cabinet to gather two tea infusers and I almost laughed. The metal infusers had little silicon shark fins on top of them.

He pulled two metal containers out of the cabinet as well and then grabbed a spoon out of the drawer, gently scooping one spoonful from each container into each tea infuser. It was a definite routine, I could tell he had done many times. I was sure it was the same way I moved when I made french press coffee in the morning.

James set the infusers next to the tea cups, before spooning a little spoonful of honey in each. By then the kettle was starting to whistle and he pour hot water in each cup, stirring them a little before sitting an infuser in each cup and bringing them both to the table.

“It’s an idea that Br- a friend gave me.” He admitted. “It helps when you have to talk about things that are hard to talk about."

"Like feelings," I offered with a smile.

"Like feelings," James repeated, sliding my cup to me.

“Thank you,” I murmured. He sat across from me, and then he started to speak.


	2. Two

**Two**

“It’s weird to not be in my time.” James admitted, pushing a stray strand of hair from his face. “Steve tries, but sometimes he still expects me to be the person he couldn’t save from that fall. He had trouble adjusting too. He just expects me to struggle exactly like him.”

“Of course you wouldn’t.” I shook my head. “Everyone is different and your experience was obviously vastly different from his.” I tried not to shudder thinking about everything that had been released online after the planes had fallen from the sky in Washington DC. It had sounded like something out of a science fiction novel. I had been so relieved that James Barnes had been found, and cleared of his crimes. Even though I didn’t know him at the time, I knew it was the right thing to do.

“He’s still learning.” James sighed. “He just doesn’t quite understand why I’m still suicidal when his was more of a passing thing.”

“And do you?” I asked.

“Understand why I still feel suicidal? Sam and Bruce think that part of my brain is still trying to heal from-my past.” He stumbled over those two words. “I also know that part of me still feels like I shouldn’t be here.”

“You feel like you aren’t worth the trouble they go through for you.” I murmured. It was like giving a voice to my own internal monologue. James looked up at me, surprised. “Trust me, I know a little bit about feeling like people shouldn’t even try to help you.”

“Is that why you wanted to jump?” He questioned.

“I’m twenty-four and still have to live with my sister. It’s part of it.” I admitted quietly.

“Have to?” James questioned, but then he stopped. “I mean-you don’t have to tell me.”

“Sharing is caring.” I teased. James gave me a half-smile. "I was supposed to be in medical school now-" I started, but then we were interrupted by JARVIS’s accented voice.

“Mr. Barnes, Allison Tillman is in the garage. Should I send her up?”

“Yes, thank you. Private mode, remember JARVIS?”

“Of course sir.”

James looked at me. “You ready?”

“Nope,” I took a deep breath. “It doesn’t matter. I have to be.”

James squeezed my hand before heading to his door, and opening it. I heard the elevator doors opening and I took another breath. James murmured something I couldn’t quite understand and Allison’s reply was cut short as she walked through the doorway and saw me.

“Adalyn.” She rushed to me, hugging me so tight I could barely breath for the first time in about a year, before pulling back and glancing me over. “What the literal fuck Addie?”

“I’m fine,” I assured her.

“Where were you?”

“On a rooftop in Queens.” I admitted.

“ _What_.” Allison’s voice dropped to a dead quiet. “Adalyn. You were where?”

“On a rooftop in Queens.” I repeated, quieter this time. I could feel the tears stinging in the back of my eyes, but James’ advice was still fresh in my mind.  _Tell the truth_. “I-I was going to jump, Allison.”

“Adalyn-“ Her voice broke on my name as she pulled me back into her arms. I could feel her shoulders shaking. “You told me you were taking your medicine. You told me you were getting better. You promised me, Adalyn.”

Allison’s voice had steadily been getting louder. “You promised me you were okay! You told me you weren’t feeling that way anymore!”

“It doesn’t just stop Allison!” I snapped. “And I told you and Dr. Martin, I fucking hate that medicine. It makes me feel like a zombie.”

“I don’t care as long you don’t feel like dying Adalyn.” She snapped back.

“I do care! You  _should_  care.” I could feel my frustration mounting as we started the same familiar argument again. “You should care about my feelings and how I’m feeling.”

“I think you need to go back to the hospital, Addie.” Allison sighed.

“No!” I pulled away from her then, stepping back so fast I stumbled into James. I could feel tears starting then which frustrated me to no end. I had hated the mental health facility that my sister had put in me last year. They had insisted on keeping me more medicated than I thought I’d needed. Allison, I felt, preferred me that way.

James steadied me, his hand a gentle pressure on my arm. I pressed my hand to my mouth so I didn’t cry any louder.

“If you’re not getting any better, you need to go back, Addie.” Allison was trying to reason with me and I could feel myself panicking.

“I’m  _not_  going back there.” I could hear my voice rising. I knew what would happen if I went back. I’d become a medicated shell of myself, or I’d find a way out and end up on that rooftop again and that time, James would be too late. James squeezed my hand before speaking.

“She can stay here.”

My sister looked at James like he’d grown an extra head.

“She’d be my guest. I’m sure Tony would let her stay for free. JARVIS can watch her and my best friend’s boyfriend is a psychiatrist with the VA. He lives here most of the year and she can talk to him.” He outlined. I schooled my expression to fight the urge to stare at him.

“Fine.” Allison shook her head. “It’s late. Are you staying here? Or coming home with me?”

“I-“ I glanced at James. “I’ll come with you and drive my car back in the morning.”

“Okay.” She glanced at James as well. “I guess I’ll give you a second.”

Allison stepped back towards the doorway and James led me back to the bedroom again.

“I’m sorry if I over-stepped.” He stammered. He was shaking and I frowned. 

“Hey, no, actually you kind of saved me.” I gave a weak laugh. “Steve’s boyfriend is a psychiatrist?”

“Not really.” James looked slightly chagrinned, “but he does work as a counselor with the VA.”

“I really appreciate it.” I pulled James into a tight hug and he stiffened. I started to pull back to apologize but James just pulled me closer.

“Thank you for not being afraid of me.” He whispered so quietly I barely heard him.

“You’re welcome.” I murmured back.

“Just pull up to the garage when you get here in the morning. JARVIS will let you in, okay?” He smiled, letting me go. “Everything is furnished so don’t worry about that.”

“Thank you.”

He had saved my life and we both knew that. As I walked back into the living room to meet Allison, I could feel my mood souring by the second.

“Let’s go.” She said quietly, not really stopping to wait on me. I rolled my eyes behind her back and waved to James. JARVIS took the elevator back to the garage and I followed Allison back to her car.

I climbed into her beetle and the moment her car started, she turned to me.

“You’re not coming back here.”  Allison decided. “What the fuck are you even doing here? With the man who killed all those people?”

“He saved me on the roof.” I snapped. “I’m not going anywhere else so just take me home.”

Allison looked like she wanted argue, but she just shut her mouth and drove. It felt like the longest commute ever, even though it was only about an hour from Manhattan back to Spring Valley. The car ride was silent besides the quiet music from the radio and I leaned my head on the window and closed my eyes.

“We’re here.” Allison told me flatly. I rubbed my eyes, not even realizing that I had dozed off to sleep. It felt like it had been years since I’d been home. I followed Allison into the apartment. “We can talk about this in the morning.”

That was it. It was only eleven, but I knew she had probably worked a full shift today. She walked to her room and shut the door. I just stared at it for a moment, surprised, before walking back to my room as well. Everything was exactly how I left it and I grabbed my phone before heading back to the kitchen to find a snack. I stalled at my sister’s door because I heard talking.

_“_ _Of course_ _I’ve tried talking with her. She doesn’t want to get better, Luke. I’m taking her back to the hospital in the morning.”_

I pressed my hand to my mouth tightly so I didn’t scream. I knew it was too easy to be true with Allison today. There she was discussing my life with her boyfriend and talking about taking me back to the hospital. I was going to have to leave tonight. Backing away from her door, I stepped back into my room, locking the door.

I pulled my suitcase from under my bed and opened it, tossing some underwear and socks, before going to my closet. It was just February so I pulled a couple of tshirts and sweatpants to sleep in and then several pairs of jeans and my favorite sweaters. I would just buy more when I needed to.

I dropped my makeup bag in the suitcase as well, before looking around and grabbing my tablet and charger. I did a final walk through my room, not seeing anything else I would need immediately, and I honestly didn’t think my sister would do anything to my room. She would more than likely hope I would come back home.

The last thing I grabbed was the collage frame off my desk. My parents, sisters, and I were smiling in the last family photo we’d ever taken three years ago. It had been taken just two months before the attack. I shuddered even thinking about it. I couldn’t deal with that right now.

Zipping the suitcase up, I slid it back under my bed and knocked on my sister’s door.

“Hey Allie, I’m going to eat a snack and then go to bed, okay?”

“That’s fine.” She called back. “Make sure you lock the door. I’ll talk to you in the morning.”

“Okay,” I replied. I couldn’t hear her moving around and I knew it wouldn’t be long before she went to sleep. 

I turned the tv on in the living room on low and laid back on the sofa, trying to pass time. I honestly hadn’t realized that Allison would react this way. After the attack, I’d been in the hospital for a few weeks and then in the psychiatric ward for two months. I’d lost my spot in medical school and moved in with my sister. She had been patient and nice the first year, but by the second year and the second suicide call, she was at the end of her rope. I guess anyone else would be.

That was the first time she’d sent me off to the hospital. It had felt like I was sleepwalking the entire time. The anti-depressant they had given me had been too high a dose for me. I hated it.

When I came back, I had faking being happy so well, I was surprised that I had fooled her. She didn’t think twice about leaving me on my own again and encouraging me to re-apply for medical school, but I couldn’t do it. She’d been furious.

I blinked glancing at the red clock on the entertainment center. It was 2:15 in the morning and time for me to go. I stretched, getting off the couch and heading into the kitchen. I scribbled a quick note on the dry erase board at the door that I was going back to Stark Tower and that I had my phone. Walking back to my room, I paused and listened at Allison’s door. She was sleeping; I could hear her quiet snores.

Almost holding my breath, I slid the suitcase out, rolling it quietly to the front door and grabbing my keys and phone off the table. Taking one last glace around, I quietly opened the door, rolled my suitecase out and closed it behind me. I gently locked the locks from the outside so they wouldn’t rattle too much and rolled my suitcase down to the elevator before climbing on, riding it down and heading out to my car.

It wasn’t until I was in my car and on the road that I truly felt like I could breathe again. I rolled my window down letting the cold air whip past my hair and for the first time in a long time, I felt free.


End file.
